Beyond the hills-Chapter 7

Prologue: topic37432.html

Chapter I: topic37490.html

Chapter II: topic37965.html

Chapter III: topic38391.html

Chapter IV: topic38444.html

Chapter: V: topic38742.html

Chapter VI: topic38872.html

Chapter VII:

For miles and miles around the deep scream of the Skeleton Lord could be heard.

"Ro...why didn't you tell me about the two Stanio children who had gotten out?" Esmassma asked. Several thoughts flew Ro's mind. I didn't tell him?God, now I'm dammed. Esmassma could hear every one of them.

"Ro, answer me." The Skeleton Lord said patiently.

"Umm...Sir, Sire, my liege, it slipped my mind," Ro stuttered

"Slpped your mind?" Esmassma asked sceptical. It was all part of his show.

"Err..." Ro tried. How the hell do you hope to kill him if you can't even speak to him? Esmassma heard his thoughts. He sat up straight, but kept his it to himself.

"I would've gotten BasCelik to kill you right here right now, but he's...gone to get some fresh air. And you're not worth my trouble. Be gone." Esmassa said. The moment Ro was gone, he stood up. He walked down the many passages. Down the stone corridor, there was a figure walking. It was a skeleton. An Akhlut, one of Esmassma's many servants. Esmassma was at least twice it's size. When the Akhlut saw him, he immediately fell to the ground, crawling past. It was the standard procedure if you were to pass the Skeleton Lord. Esmassma ignored the servant as he walked past. Far down the corridor, a door was squeaking open. Within a few seconds he was at the open door. He stepped through. The room on the other side was warm, two old looking Akhluts sitting on beautiful looking couches in front of an heath.

"Where is it?" Esmassma asked. Both skeletons looked around.

"It's safe." The one replied.

"Vefoos, now is not the time for games, where is it?" Esmassma replied, a hint of emotion in his voice.

"Since when do you call me Vefoos? Vefoos is not to used by any but me!" Vefoos cried out.

"Sorry father, but I need to know, there are...disturbances." Esmassma replied

* * *

Rachel watched as Elvy dragged his legs through the deep sand. In her book the sand was easy to walk on, and you didn't sink in. She was deathly thirsty, and hunger was knawing at her intestines. She stared at the purple roots.

"Elvy, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna taste those purple plants." She said, waliking to one of them.

"Ray, it could be poisonous. We want to be known as the first people who went beyond the hills and survived. Not died when ate poisonous plants." Elvy said. If we die eating poisonous plants no-one will know of us. Rachel thought, but kept silent.

"Elvy...here's an idea, I'll eat, and you could see if I die, and if I do, you know you mustn't eat it." She said walking over to one of the plants. She snapped off one of the branches. It looked juicy, juice practicly dripping from it. It's insides were uninviting black. For a few seconds she wanted to drop it.

"Ray, don't eat that, please don't eat that," Elvy said concerned. Rachel almost dropped it, but then her hunger came again. She bit it

* * *

Nothing happened. Dran was still standing on the crown of the hill. Maybe another step. he thought and stepped back again. Again, nothing happened. Dran froze. It's fine, don't panic. he stepped back again. Nothing. Dran turned around, and ran down the hill. He stumbled and fell, and immediately started rolling. He rolled till he hit a small ledge, then groaned. A sharp pain stung hi arm, and he couldn't move it. It was broken. He cried.

* * *

It tasted delicious. juicy and sweet. It quenched Rachel's thirst.

"Elvy!" She called out, her mouth full. "This is delicious!"

"Sweet by taste, foul by intention." A voice behind her said. She spun around, and just a step or two behind her stood an old looking man, cloaked in a white cloak.

"Who are you?" Elvy asked immediately. They hadn't seen anyone since the one night.

"That's not so important, but what is important is what you will become if I don't help you." The man said. Seeing their confused expressions, he replied.

"That is the Onlony co ish. Sticks of death. If I don't help you you'll die within about...one minute." Rachel's legs went weak, and she fell over.

"You see? It's started," The ma said. Elvy rushed over to her, and turned her on her back.

"Help!" Elvy called out to the man.

"Well, what's i it for me?" He asked. Elvy gasped.

"W-w-we don't have anything," Elvy stuttered, crying.

"Well, then you can say goodbye to your sister in exactly...twenty seconds." The man said, walking away. Quickly, Elvy patted himself, just to feel if he might have anything on him. He found his knife.

"Sir! I'll give you my knife!" The man turned around.

"Then your sister might have a chance." Rachel felt a searing pain in her stomach. The man bent over Rachel, and plucked out a yellow leaf.

"Open her mouth." He told Elvy. Elvy obeyed. The man struck the leaf down her throat. it dissolved the moment it touched her.

"Knife?" The man asked. Elvy gave it.

"You're a malicious, selfish bastard!" Elvy called after the man as he walked away.

* * *

Rachel walked down the main lane in Stanio. She stopped by a crowded carriage. When she finally could see through the crowd, she saw a man standing on the back of the carriage. He had a massive blazing torch in his hand which already meant he was an out-lander. There was no logs to use as torches in Stanio. The man was bold, and wore colorful smooth clothing. In front of him there was a big top-hat for coins. She gasped as the man stuck the torch into his mouth, and remove it without a scar. Everyone applauded. She felt a firm hand on her shoulder, pulling her away. It was her dad.

"Don't you go meddling with out-landers! They kidnapped your mom, you should be throwing that man with stones." He said. Rachel found this barbaric, and tossed a bronze coin in the top-hat when her dad wasn't looking, and the fire eater winked at her, and flung her a gold coin. Rachel stared in amazement.

"For doing something selfless." The man replied. Her dad was always going on about the evil out-landers who had stolen her mother. Since then she had lived alone with her father.

"Dad," She asked her dad when she was younger, "would you love me more if mom was here?" And he had beated her for it. It had been her and Elvy who had looked out for each other.

"Don't worry Ray, soon we'll be out of this house, and we'll have our own place." Elvy had told her once, "and then it'll just be me, my woman, and you and your man. Talking about it, when are you to find one?"

"When are you going to find yourself a woman?" Rachel had replied. "Anyway, I have you."

Rachel woke up. It wasn't just a dream that she had had, it was a reminder of what happened a few years ago. She lay on the soft sand. It was night, with a green moon out. This is a different world. She thought. She thought she heard a sound, but ignored it. It was just like it was those few years ago, just her and Elvy.

Chapter VIII: topic39094.html

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Linx
Comment

Ok, no one saw it. Oh well. I am back after a wonderful break of sleeping twelve hours a day, for five days. :D


Several thoughts flew Ro's mind. I didn't tell him?God, now I'm dammed. Esmassma could hear every one of them.

It would help a lot if you put the thoughts in italics.


"Ro, answer me." Comma not period The Skeleton Lord said patiently.


"Slpped your mind?" Esmassma asked sceptical.

Typo. You need a i in slipped. You also need a comma after asked.


"I would've gotten BasCelik to kill you right here right now, but he's...gone to get some fresh air. And you're not worth my trouble. Be gone." Comma not period Esmassa said.


It was a skeleton. An Akhlut, one of Esmassma's many servants.

That was a little bit choppy there. This is how I would do the sentence.
It was a skeleton or also called an Akhlut, one of Esmassma's many servants.

The room on the other side was warm, two old looking Akhluts sitting on beautiful looking couches in front of an heath.

First, how can a skeleton look old? Also, having the two lookings in that sentence makes the sentence sound weird.

"It's safe." Comma not period The one replied.

Also, maybe take out the. There is more than one, and you don't know which one you are talking about.

"Sorry father, but I need to know, there are...disturbances." Comma not period Esmassma replied Period here at the end


In her book Put a comma here the sand was easy to walk on, take out the comma here and you didn't sink in. She was deathly thirsty, take out the comma here and hunger was knawing at her intestines.


"Elvy, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna taste those purple plants."Comma not a period She said, waliking to one of them.

Typo. There isn't supposed to be a i in the middle of walking.

"Ray, it could be poisonous. We want to be known as the first people who went beyond the hills and survived. Not died when ate poisonous plants." comma not period Elvy said.


"Elvy...here's an idea, I'll eat, and you could see if I die, and if I do, you know you mustn't eat it." Comma not period She said comma here walking over to one of the plants.


It looked juicy, juice practicly dripping from it.

Uh... If you re-read that sentence, it sounds wrong.

For a few seconds comma here she wanted to drop it.
"Ray, don't eat that, please don't eat that," Elvy said Put a comma here concerned.


She bit it period here at the end


Maybe another step. Change this period to a comma he thought and stepped back again. Again, nothing happened. Dran froze. It's fine, don't panic. Capitalize :arrow: he stepped back again.

I'll say it again, please put the thoughts in italics.

He rolled till he hit a small ledge, then groaned. A sharp pain stung hi arm, and he couldn't move it. It was broken. He cried.

Two typos. One, till has only one l in it. Two, you forgot to put the s in his.
Those two last sentences are choppy. Maybe combining them in some way would help.

It tasted delicious. juicy and sweet.

Capitalize juicy.

Sweet by taste, foul by intention." Comma not period A voice behind her said.


"You see? It's started," The ma said.

Typo. You forgot the n in man.

"Well, what's i it for me?" He asked. Elvy gasped.

Typo. I think that i is supposed to be in.
"Well, then you can say goodbye to your sister in exactly...twenty seconds." comma not period The man said, walking away.


it dissolved the moment it touched her.

Typo. Capitalize it.

"For doing something selfless." comma not period The man replied.




Wow Reuben! This is getting better and better. There were more typos in this post though. Remember to look out for them. :D

User avatar
Linx
Review
Linx wrote a review · Fri Nov 21, 2008 4:24 am

Give me a day to review this Reuben. I feel like crap right now, and I probably wouldn't be able to edit well. Sorry dude. :(
I will do this, so other people will see this, and then they will review as well.
Good job though. More depth tomorrow (hopefully).



It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela